If Your Going To Ride.....

If your going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair! Interest peaked? I saw this statement on a license plate frame after eating lunch with a couple of my business partners last week. My first thought was, of course, she probably looks like Sandra Bullock, my second thought, yeaq, totally could visualize the whole act! Me and Sandra, I always knew she loved me and that those restraining orders were just some kind of foreign fore play. But maybe I should get to the point.

False advertising sucks! You know what the hair pullee really looked like. I won't even go there, except to say this: DO NOT DO THAT! Don't put something on your car that's going to put me through that whole thing. Do not put a license plate frame on your car that says Hot, Luscious or Juicy if you are not indeed one of the a fore mentioned. Really, on my way to the nap factory where I work occasionally, one morning I saw a license plate frame on a cute little sports car which read: ONE LUSCIOUS LADY! Bull shit! I could have received a $ 1,000.00 speeding ticket, just to catch up and find a 600lb one toothed gorilla eating, I shit you not, a cheeseburger from each hand. Never a grenade launcher around when you need one.

Lastly, to the guy at the hot dog stand at the little street faire thingy, if you don't want me staring at your wife's totally hot ass, please throw away all of those cute little pants that say things like, please come fuck me hard Mike. O.K., so not every pair say exactly that. However, most of the ones I've seen on women not shopping at Wal Mart, say exactly that.

Please no more false advertising. Unless of course, you actually are, Hot, Wet, Pink, Juicy, Ready and Willing. In that case, you should take two glasses of tequila and call me immediately!

Bizarro World?

Ever have one of those bizarro conversations that came from no where and ended no where? Well, I think this was one.....


Tre said...
Brown Eyes?
July 8, 2007 6:56 AM


Cal B. said...
Yes Brown eyes, I wrote this 13 years ago.What you don't like it???
July 8, 2007 10:21 AM


Tre said...
my eyes are f*cking blue!
July 9, 2007 2:44 PM


Cal B. said...
Yes I know what color your eyes are... I guess it's a good thing I didn't write it for you!!
July 9, 2007 9:52 PM


Tre said...
fuckin' brown eye!
July 10, 2007 11:27 AM



Kids, don't ever try this at home.

Dear Mr. President

Dear Mr. President,

As you know, your term as my President, (fuck you, if he's not yours), is coming to a close. While this is rather depressing, there are still many urgent matters to be resolved. I know from watching the news that you are extremely busy, being the most powerful man in the world and all. So, in the interest of helping you, I have prepared a list of tasks which should be completed in order to consider your presidency a success. Please keep in mind sir, that I voted for you twice, your father twice and against that sicko, (cause he fucks ugly chicks), Bill Clinton twice. These items are actionable because they're what I expected you would have done.

1). Shoot Ted Kennedy.

2). Shoot Ted Kennedy, (he's fat and pickled on scotch, I don't think once will be enough).

3). Offer a bounty on the heads of illegal aliens, (regardless of ethnicity).

4). Cancel the Academy Awards, permanently.

5). Cancel Paris Hilton.

6). Bomb the Middle East, et al.

7). Bomb France.

8). Complete the reunification of Germany, (they've whipped Frances' ass four or five times in the last five hundred years and we keep giving it back to the same bunch of retards that keep losing it to the Germans). DUH!

9). Legalize it! I mean fuck, it's like 2007 already!

10). Deport Schwarzenegger, is that even how you fucking spell it, back to the Fatherland, or maybe make him Governor of Frank. Frank, is the New Germany pronunciation and spelling of France.


Now, should you disagree with me, I don't think you will, but if you do, I offer you this toast:

Here's to you
Here's to me
but, should we ever disagree
Fuck You
Here's to me.


Sincerely,

Mr. I. M. Getinit, et al.

Cut & Paste Video, is not a POST!

Ever notice how trends tend to move in one direction or another? Lately I've noticed the tendency from certain bloggers, to take slightly less than a keen interest in the quality of their blogs. While I would never intentionally hurt any ones feelings, I just think that cut & paste video is just one step away from marrying Labradors. I mean, it doesn't take a lot of mental prowess to post ready-made video. So , while I did thoroughly enjoy watching..... HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, ha ha ha, I'm a fucking squirrel!

My Darling, Princess-Angel

How was your day beautiful? You know, I was thinking about what happened 11 years ago this very day. I drove your mom to the hospital around 6 or 6:30 in the morning. At about 8:35, I saw the most beautiful and precious sight I had ever, (and have ever), seen in my life. Know what it was? It was you, the core of my heart and keeper of my soul. From the moment I saw you, I knew why I was here. They washed you up, handed you to me and my heart melted. When they asked me if I wanted to cut the cord, I hesitated briefly. My hand shook as I cut, but I managed to do it.

Since that day, you've brought your mother and I much joy and happiness. You've scared us to death a couple of times but mostly you've made us proud. Watching you learn and grow over the years has given me memories I will cherish forever. I know your growing up now, but I hope I will always be your daddy!

I Love You Mostest!

Dad

P.S. You should see if you can still get on a softball team, cause you know that you totally rock! And, gymnastics is for girls who can't drink whiskey!