Iran's official.........

Iran's official statement: Uh, nope, no queers here. I think Apoop Abujimmy-jihad-abubbadump should have been killed yesterday. O.K., so there would have been some issues, but if I were in charge this is how it would have happened.

Finding a militant, disgruntled, political asylum seeking hater of old Apoop could not be that hard. I would have found one or two and offered them and their families asylum if they capped Apoops ass. Forget security, you simply fake aggression towards another delegate, thus drawing the security teams away from Apoop, giving our la, la, la, la, la, la more than enough time to get the job done and get away.

I know, I know, what about the political fallout? How would we explain that it wasn't a U.S. plot?
Read on.

Remember, I am the acting President addressing the media here:

"My fellow Americans, members of the propaganda corps, distinguished guests, to the best our intelligence agencies can conclude, the perpetrator of the attack almost certainly appeared to be one of Iran's non existent ninja queers. Sorry, but Apoop said there were no queer Iranians, so we really didn't know how to catch someone that didn't exist. We would try to find them, but how do you catch a unicorn? On a brighter note however, before Apoop died, he signed over, to the United States, exclusive ownership of Iran and gave us permission to transfer all Iranian assets to our bank account. In closing, all I can say is, God blessed America!"